The relationship triangle between three friends can at times be more difficult to maneuver through than the one in Bermuda.
Chloe, Amanda and Melanie have been friends for years. Amanda and Melanie since junior high.
Chloe is of the mind-set that all friendships are conditional. Amanda is from rural America and couldn’t disagree more. She feels that in a time of crisis and you are truly in the swamp, your friend should always be there for you to bail you out and see you through the situation.
Melanie doesn’t agree with Amanda and feels that she expects too much from friendships. Close though they may be, they are not your family.[adToAppearHere]
The names have been changed but in a very true life story, Amanda lived in another city but in order to save her house needed to temporarily get a well-paying job in San Francisco. Chloe had a studio apartment there and lived by herself.
Amanda asked Chloe that if she split the rent and groceries, could she live with her for about six months until she made probation and could sell her home and purchase something, even a condo in the suburbs of the San Francisco Bay Area.
Chloe gave it some serious thought and even had Amanda come down and spend the night with her. After careful consideration she decided it wouldn’t work and turned Amanda down.
With no place to immediately stay and Bay Area rents sky high, Amanda decided not to pursue the job and suffered severe financial consequences as a result.[adToAppearHere]
Later Chloe was going to be in town, called Amanda and asked if she wanted to hang out. Amanda just couldn’t fake it and refused to accept Chloe’s phone calls. What are they going to talk about? The weather? Cute guys? Where’s the best place to get your nails done? Funny TV shows?
In Amanda’s mind, there really wasn’t anything to talk about anymore.
If the situations were reversed, she wouldn’t even have to think about it. Further, she would have refused to even split the rent with Chloe but instead since she was in financial straits after losing her job that as long as they agreed to a finite time period, she could absolutely stay for free.
Amanda would never be friends with Chloe again.
For those of you reading this, where do you side?
True life is always so powerful.
I’ve mentioned often that I was from Bryan, College Station Texas. When I was young and right out of college, I had a studio apartment that could fit inside any studio apartment you probably ever lived in. I had a friend from the south who wanted to come north to get a better job and asked if he could stay with me and split the rent.
I said he could stay but refused to accept a dime and wouldn’t even think of him paying for groceries. He stayed for a month, got a job and eventually moved his wife and kids to California.
To this day I feel great about that.
So I think you know where I fall on the conditional friendship stuff.
At any rate, if a friendship ends, if can be very traumatic. How do you cope when a long time well developed friendship ends?
As we try and do when presenting you with suggestions, we like to research ideas from a number of sources. Let’s consider one such respected source now.
Karen Kleinschmidt has been writing since 2007. Her short stories and articles have appeared in “Grandma’s Choice,” “Treasure Box” and “Simple Joy.” She has worked with children with ADHD, sensory issues and behavioral problems, as well as adults with chronic mental illness. Kleinschmidt holds a Bachelor of Arts in psychology from Montclair State University.
According to Karen in her article at classroom.synonym.com here are four ways to help cope with the loss of an important friendship.
Fill the Void
Be prepared to get the cold shoulder from some of your pals if the two of you hung out with the same circle of friends. They may even dis you too. Therese J.Borchard, associate editor at Psych Central, in her article, “8 Steps to Closure When a Friendship Ends,” advises engaging in activities or hobbies with other friends or on your own. Over time, it may be less uncomfortable to be around your old group of friends. Maybe, when things calm down, your group of friends will realize they miss you and be willing to work out the issues that came between you. You, on the other hand, may have moved on by then.
In the beginning you may find it comforting to talk about what went wrong, how sad you feel and what you might have done differently. But over time, consistent ruminating can cause a deeper sadness to develop which can prevent you from letting go and moving forward with your life, according to the article, “Probing the Depression-Rumination Cycle,” published on the American Psychological Association website. Consider meditation, distracting yourself with your surroundings and changing your perception regarding the ending of your friendship to focus on the positive aspects of your time together.
Write to Let Go
Write a letter to your friend, knowing her eyes will never see it, advises Borchard. You’ll likely find the process cathartic and therapeutic. Write about the good as well as the bad times you shared together and what you liked and didn’t like about your friendship. Let your emotions flow freely and allow yourself to cry or scream while writing. End your letter with a goodbye, and when you’re ready, tear up the letter or burn it to help you achieve closure.
Try to determine why the friendship ended. After some time apart, you may find clarity and discover that you want to attempt to reconcile with your friend. According to Irene S. Levine, author of “Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Break-Up With Your Best Friend,” in a “Woman’s Day” article, admitting to a wrongdoing or forgiving your friend may be enough to re-establish your connection.
Losing an important friend, especially one that you’ve had a friendship with for decades can be very traumatic. Though the suggestions may not be easy to follow, applying them as best you can may offer some comfort and relief during one of the more difficult times of your life.
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